For four years my heart has ached. The grief and guilt are sometimes too much to bare.
Saturday will mark four years since I tried to kill myself to be with my son.
Sunday will mark four years of going through the motions more often than not.
3 years ago I was pregnant with Maddy. I was determined to give myself the time to grieve before she arrived. She had other plans, she wasn't going to let me have that time mourning. We spent a good portion of the day in a labor and delivery room being monitored.
If I have learned anything about grief is that you are supposed to give yourself time. But the children that come after, they don't give a damn.
I was leery about going to the 1st candle light vigil after Maddy was born. She was almost 10 months old and I felt awkward being there with my alive and healthy baby. I remember how much it hurt going to the Share events seeing parents and their "other" kids. I wanted to yell at them and say I just want one baby that isn't taken away from me. I remember the stares we got, that 1st year we took Maddy. I remember feeling self righteous and daring someone to say something to me about it. I understood those other parents now. Just because they already had or went on to have living children, doesn't make their grief go away. In some ways it is worse because you can't deny that life goes on. Maddy decided right then and there to discover how to raspberry, repeatedly through out the whole ceremony. JD and I took her to the back of the group of people trying to be as considerate as possible. Maddy will always know that she has an older brother watching out for her (and another angel baby) but I don't want her to feel like she isn't enough.
This month I have been struggling to keep the grief from swallowing me. I want to be present for the holidays. I owe it to my family. I have been having more PTSD episodes the last few days, where everything replays in my mind. It takes me right back to those days four years ago. I can hear and see everything all over again.
I know I need to process the grief and when I try and block it, it comes racing back at even less convenient times.
I want to be there person I once was, the mother and wife I promised to be.
I just need more time.